How to Poop at Work Like a Stealthy Ninja

At home, pooping is really easy. All you need to do is to take a book with you, take all your clothes off and then enjoy your relaxing 'me time' as you purge your bowels. In fact many of us will look forward to this poop time somewhat as it will mean that we can get some time alone when we know we'll be undisturbed.

Unfortunately though it's an entirely different story at work. At work, pooping means you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom… and then be gone for ages. People will then start to think 'hmm… I wonder where they've gone' and lo and behold the entire team knows that you're doing a number two.

Which isn't cool.

It gets even worse when your boss comes in to wash their hands and they spot your feet under the door and hear that deafening 'plop'. And that's not to mention how gross it is having to touch your butt to the seat.

So how do you go about pooping like a pro at work? Here are some tips that will turn this back into the relaxing break it should be.

1. Get Your Brain Straight

The first thing to do is to get your brain straight regarding what it means to poop at work. While you might be tempted to feel embarrassed you can rest assured that every other one of your colleagues also poops. And if they don't? Then they are the ones with the very serious problem – not you.

What's more, you also need to stop worrying about that 'disgusting seat'. Sure, it's not a nice thought to plant your rear on a seat where 200 people have planted their rear prior – but in fact your bum is actually very clean. There's less bacteria on that toilet seat than there is on the tap, so calm down!

And don't spend hours tearing off little bits of paper – all that will do is make you take even longer resulting in even more raised eyebrows and suspicion.

2. Fix Your 'Colon Clock'

Most of us have a poop cycle. That is to say that we poo at a consistent time each day which is determined by our routine and habits. If you're pooping at work then your colon clock has gone awry.

You can fix it by forcing yourself to go just before work and by changing the times you eat, sleep and drink coffee. Coffee is very prone to encouraging you to poop so use this as your secret weapon!

3. Find a Secret Poo Spot

If you're still stressed about pooping at work then try finding somewhere else to poo. That can mean going on the floor upstairs, or it can mean popping out to the local pub to go there. Become a stranger in a strange land and face fewer consequences when you leave the bathroom stinking.

Just don't tell people you have a 'secret poo spot'. That sounds very weird and it won't exactly help your reputation.